Alien Life Entry #3: Time Portals and daddy issues.

Ok, ok I realize these titles get more and more wild as we go. I assure you there is a connection.

If you pay real close attention to what happens to you, even better if you write them down, you will start to notice all these weird little things that cannot be coincidence.

I began my real journey to awake myself about two years ago. A lot of crisis, highs and lows, shadows and light. I had a breakdown and Neil and I had some growing up to do, wasn't easy projecting onto each other our worst fears. But at some point we realized we both would have tried anything to make it work, we realized we would have to face the worse obstacle of them all: our own selves. When I realized I always had a choice, things began to change rapidly. I didn't have to care what people thought of me, I didn't have to fight every battle, no, my honor was not disrespected, they disrespect themselves by talking to me that way, not really me. When I realized I didn't have to explain to anyone why I act the way I do, when being myself stop being a battle for validation from others, I took the very first breath of life and I was reborn, I was finally in understanding with my heart.

One night, Neil and I were having a late music session, we like to stay up late when the kids are with the grandparents and go through a ridiculous amount of music. I was in the mood for oldies from my teen years and suddenly, Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz came up. You know in the movies when they zoom in the eye of the character to make the illusion of traveling within the character's mind? That is exactly what I felt. I didn't hear that song in years and I was abruptly dropped into my teen memories, reliving feelings I didn't feel in years.

See when that band came out I was in love with it, literally the whole thing appealed to me so so much. They were anonymous which for me is the upper most valuable thing someone can do, they sang awesome songs, such a vibe! But of course, I didn't speak English back then so I couldn't even grasp the idea behind the song, I didn't have internet to research it and with the title Clint Eastwood God's only knows what it was about. All I could comprehend was I am happy, I'm feeling glad….useless...future is coming up.

Anyways, my parents were divorcing back then, we were having dinner at my grandma's house with my dad's family and my dad came home with the latest Gorillaz cd. I was thirteen and I saw that and I lost my head, music and poetry was everything for me back then and I thought he bought it for me. Well, my dad was struggling with himself back then, he wasn't has wise as he got to be later and he wouldn't let me have it. He said it was for him. I argue all dinner and he still didn't let me have it. I asked him to let me have it for one night, that I would record it and give it back, but no.

My mom was redoing our bedroom at the time, all by herself as a way to cheer us up from the family issues. By hand she painted it all purple and made all this lovely paintings on the walls. But that night she was just starting with the work. I came home and I didn't speak to her, I went into my room and began to reap the wallpaper frantically, my mom could hear me and so she asked my dad what happened. She wasn't happy with him.

In the morning he came up with the CD but I didn't want it, after all that drama, I didn't want it.

I have to admit most of my love for music comes from dad, for a long time I struggle to see him as a parent, more like a big brother. He was only twenty when I was born. In a way, there were times when it was hard but at the same time I used to feel my parents were cool, my dad like really current groovy music, they knew a lot of stuff, they were learners and artists and they were culturally rich in different ways. In the low, they could be immature and childish too. I am also a young mom and I always feel I rise my children a bit like my parents (well, better I hope as I hope my children will do too) with less fear, as I was young and hopeful and I wasn't yet so immerse into this collective fear we all have and it's more obvious in older parents. I grew up free and in trust of my capacities. My parents guided me, fed me, but I was always made clear my path was mine and anything I wanted to accomplish would have to come from me. My parents didn't even figure themselves out yet, how could they try to guide me through life at their age?

But back to the music. The night that song began to play, I heard it. I HEARD IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. I had this feeling in my chest like I was time traveling, I was the pre-teen suffering the decisitons of others and the song finally made sense. It's not like any other song, the words in it are what I needed to hear then but mostly, what I needed to hear now! They were so relevant to my spiritual experiences, so illuminating, so penetrating, I immediately felt a connection with my younger self, not just a connection, I felt I was her again, I memory so dark suddenly gaines light, showed me a message hidden from me now to my youngest self. I felt I was as an adult listening to that song, understanding it, and bending back time to say to young me “this is where we are going, hang in there.”

Since then I feel this connection with my past self, I keep finding cracks in time, wrinkles in experiences that feel like deja vu but that are real. Listening to this song took me back to my relationship to my father and mother, allowed me to see things from another perspective and healed. I hid a message in a song and we decoded it together, it was a guide, a breadcrumb.

I am sure if you look carefully you will find the messages too. This is not the only one I have found. Through meditation and hypnosis I have also come closer to relive some moments in particular where odd feelings or experiences happened.

My issues with my dad began to healed when this song came back to me. I don't know why, things that bothered me a lot suddenly were nothing, no worth my anger and pain any more. I realized I was there, preparing my personality, all of the steps I myself had selected for my journey. I found this line passing this events and suddenly collapsing into each other. It made me so aware of the dimensions of time, how nothing that happened is lost and nothing that will happen is totally unknown.

It is when we open the door to what we don't understand as something to love, not to fear, that we see a new world of perspective. The beginning of loving ourselves is the beginning of loving others, even those who hurt us. Once the love for oneself fills us, there is not room left for anything else, there is only forgiveness and acceptance.

I accept and I am open to be swept away by the magic of time. I am ready to experience again what I thought was forgotten in the back of my subsconscious. I let my soul guide this human experience and collect along the way the missions and the teachings.

Open your eyes and see, the sign were there all along, the receiver wasn't turn on. Never too late, plug in and notice everything!

Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad

I got sunshine in a bag

I'm useless, but not for long

The future is coming on

Finally, someone let me out of my caage

Now, time for me is nothing, 'cause I'm countin' no age

Nah, I couldn't be there, now you shouldn't be scared

I'm good at repairs, and I'm under each snare

Intangible, bet you didn't think, so I command you to

Panoramic view, look, I'll make it all manageable

Pick and choose, sit and lose, all you different crews

Chicks and dudes, who you think is really kickin' tunes?

Picture you getting down in a picture tube

Like you lit the fuse, you think it's fictional?

Mystical? Maybe, spiritual hero

Who appears in you to clear your view when you're too crazy?

Lifeless to those, the definition for what life is

Priceless to you, because I put you on the hype shit

You like it? Gun smokin', righteous with one toke

Get psychic among those, possess you with one dose

The essence, the basics, without it, you make it

Allow me to make this childlike in nature

Rhythm, you have it or you don't, that's a fallacy

I'm in them, every sproutin' tree, every child of peace

Every cloud and sea, you see with your eyes

I see destruction and demise, corruption in disguise (That's right)

From this fuckin' enterprise, now I'm sucked into your lies

Through Russel, not his muscles

But percussion he provides for me as a guide, y'all can see me now

'Cause you don't see with your eye, you perceive with your mind

That's the inner(Fuck 'em)so I'ma stick around with Russ and be a mentor

Bust a few rhymes so motherfuckers remember

Where the thought is, I brought all this

So you can survive when law is lawless (Right here)

Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead

No squealing and rememberthat it's all in your head


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© 2020 by Yanina Rubini. All rights reserved.