My Inner girl


Maybe the best way to explain how it works, I can tell you my own experience.

I grew up in the country, my house next to my grandma´s. I was a wild child, I climbed trees, I played in the mud, I run with animals, I loved the sun, the grass, the insects, the rain...I was truly loved, cared for and joyful.

But one day one by one my family began to leave the country. First my grandma, then my aunt and cousin and finally...we left. I went into a city. I went from a class of seven children to one of thirty-five. I had panic attacks going to the patio where there were thousands of screaming children running around. My old school had an outdoor patio, it was green and full of trees and fresh air. My new school was a jail, smelled like between dirt and powerful chemical cleaning products. To make things worse, my father had left to work to another state, and we moved into my other grandma's small flat. Life changed dramatically and so did I. I became an extremely gloomy child. I used to come from school and lock myself in my bedroom, my only company my music, my books and my dark poetry I started writing when I was about nine.

Then a few years later my parents went through a nasty divorce, my family was divided, adults were acting worse than children, throwing tantrums, saying hurtful words, my sisters and I slowly keep putting more and more walls, defending ourselves, feeling attacked all the time. Scared of rejection, we rejected everyone first, even each other, until the pain was too great and out of the blur we would just hug and cry.

We were never taught how to deal with our pain, because no one knew how. And into my adult life, I carry this enormous load in myself. I felt I was suffocating there, every person I met since to have similar issues, and it all become too known, too patter-like, I could see everything happening before it happen and it depressed me that I knew things were going to turn out badly. I knew my parents weren't done yet, they got back together for a while after the divorce. I saw it all coming for me again and I said enough with other people's problems. The train came, and without hesitation I jumped on it.

Moving far from my family was hard and easy. Finding my own self was a very difficult, lonely path, especially since I become a young mother who refused to give up on her dreams, even if at times I didn’t know what those dream were at all and I wanted to just let everything go.

I had many years of confusion, of understanding theories that I could not put into practice, of self-doubt, self-rejection, self-torture. I didn’t understand just how much of those experiences and even my parents and grandparents’ experiences were in me and becoming the obstacles I needed to overcome. To break the family patter is hard, but it is possible, specially today when we have so much information in our hands. This information can be overwhelming, so I decided to slow down. I read somewhere that the ego is in a rush, because it knows at some point it will die, but the true self is eternal, so don’t rush, take what comes your way and take control of what you allow inside yourself. Use your own instinct and logic and see what works for you.

One day I was given an amazing safe space while I was going through a deep depression when I turned thirty. It wasn't like before; I wasn't thinking about self-harm or evasion. I had children and I will see my life through no matter what. But I had that same sinking feeling, I wanted to quit life at once. I didn't know at the time I was transforming and those were growing pains.

I used to always have this archetype dream. A big house, changing from time to time but I recognized it. This house had a long stairwell going up, at the top I couldn’t see what it was, the white light was too powerful to see. But I was standing at the bottom and from behind me this horrific screaming coming from a trapdoor on the floor. There was banging, yelling, crying and all sorts of wrenching noises. This was a recurrent dream.

But when I was at this session, I could not stop thinking about that dream, it’s all I could think about. I was crying a river and I couldn´t even breath, the confrontation was near and my whole being was scared, we have been avoiding this moment.

I was afraid to enter, could be anything there, I even feared to have some blocked trauma too heavy to remember. I was terrified.

But to my surprised, as I entered, all there was was a curly light-brown haired child, crying on the floor, circling her arms around her bent legs. I recognized the flower on the old shirt I used to wear, it was me. I contemplated myself with hiccups, on the cement floor, in the dark, and I understood. My biggest fear was loneliness, was rejection. But as I sat on the floor and took this child in my arms, it wasn't from other people or even my parents. It was from myself, from the fact that I had buried this beautiful, joyful child in a pile of afternoons of solitude, dark rooms and painful words. I abandoned her, she walked lonely in the sad memories of yesterday. She held on to me she cried and so did I, I cried and I laughed and for someone looking at me, I may have seen like a mad person, but everything was moving inside of me, earthquake shaking my very own foundation.

I stood up with the child in my arms and we walked out of that room, we took the stairs up to the light and she and I have never been apart since. You can see me now, climbing trees, looking at bugs, running after the light, smelling flowers. She made me whole again and through her I reconnected with my roots, I wrote to my grandmother with extreme gratitude for her guidance back then, I had flashes of her walking with me as a child through her grove and we bonded again. I was loved, even if they were struggling with their own minds, I was loved. And I am loved above it all by myself. I am still that child, I do not know why I ever stopped being her.

I read somewhere when a child is neglected, she or he doesn’t stop loving the parents, she or he stops loving herself. This was a powerful thing for me to learn, to forgive my parents, to forgive myself for things I did that at the time didn't make sense and to pass the page. When I was a teen, I felt very old, my child had left me to protect herself, to not let these sad experiences affect her true pure nature. She shielded herself in that room in the darkest part of my unconsciousness, waiting for me to come to get her. I retrieved her and she retrieved me. I love her so much, I accept her for what she is and I find a path that can allow us to walk together again. My little girl was fierce, she was lit. I had to travel very far to find her again, I had to go through a lot to understand. But I have never felt quiet like the day I recovered her. I felt a warm embrace that I never felt before, one that no one else can give me, is my own self embracing from within, is a fire reignited and burning now endlessly.

And from then on, we go together everywhere. She takes me back into the weed and the dirt, where I follow her, and she comes with me into the big people world, into reality where she follows me, whispering hopeful words, reminding me that after is us time again. Where everything is possible, and I am at home everywhere.

The inner child is the you that should've never left, but did so you can experience the world, take all the cuts and all the punches. So when you have a grown mind, an evolved soul, you can bring back, pure and unspoiled. For you to understand everything, to be rebirth into life with consciousness and intention. All the bad was teaching you so you can appreciate all the good and strive to find balance. That little kid is waiting somewhere in a painful place you don't want to go. But through the shadows we find the light, through the pain we find the joy. When I left that room, I felt all the emotions at once, I was a complete palette. I entered in pieces and I left whole.

We hold space for each other, is all we can really do that is true and meaningful. Through laughter and tears you can walk that path, allow yourself to feel all that sadness you have been holding on. For the childhood you lost and for the adulthood you struggle to understand, just let all that pain out. As Nahko says, put down the weight. Don't deprive the world of your true self, you are your own key, and you are also the door. It´s time to come home.


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© 2020 by Yanina Rubini. All rights reserved.